Wednesday, August 12, 2009

His Final Apology

I haven't been a very good blogger lately and I apologize for that. I guess I have just felt that my life has been pretty boring here lately. But law school starts in a week and a half so things are bound to get interesting. I have been reading the blogs I follow though.

So you know that I quit talking to John. Reason why are in a previous post. On Saturday I was getting ready to go out and he sent me a Whats been going on text. I ignored it. Like an hour later he sends this:
'I understand if you dont ever want to talk to me again. U just want to tell you that im sorry for the way i treated you. I was an asshole. You were the closest thing i ever had to a long term girlfriend. I was a stupid fuck. I never wanted to hurt you. I just know I miss you and want you in my life'

I responded a couple hours later with a simple- I don't know what to say.
He never replied back. I care but I dont. Reading his text made me a little sad and made me miss him a little, but I dont go back. He has apologized way too many times. If he meant anything he said then we would not be going thru this same cycle over and over again. He is always apologizing for being an ass and he is always saying he misses me. I won't do it again.

The thing is that when I masturbate, I still think of him. I just tell myself it means nothing. It is just a sexual thing. For the past two years he is like the only guy I've had sex with. Of course I am going to be reminded of him. I mean there were a couple of other guys when he and I were off, but mainly I have been with him.

I will forget and move on.

Always- LSG

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Old and SIngle

Last night I went to a party at Crush's house. He and his two roommates were hosting a beer pong tournament/ party. I don't play beer pong bc I don't enjoy chugging Keystone, that is Oklahoma 3.2 Keystone. I usually bring wine and my favourite Belgium beer to these sorts of parties.

I did end up having a lot of fun, but I was the only single girl there. Of course a lot of the guys were single, but I was the only single girl. Sara was there with her husband. CT is a roommate so his girlfriend was there. Best Friend was there with Object of Affection. Sara's husband's bro and his gf. And another married couple. Those were the couples. Plus like 10 other guys and me. One would think this would be awesome for a single girl. All the guys to myself and no competition. It was actually really weird being the only single girl.

When I realized this fact I mentioned it to best friend and Sara. Best Friend was like, 'you are not the only single girl here because I am single too.' Um no. You came with a date, Best Friend. A date who is your boyfriend. You are not single at this party. But she continued how she wasn't married and that meant if she filled out any type of form she would mark the single box. While this maybe true she was still attached at this party. She was not single for the night. She wouldn't give up her single status, which was very annoying to both her boyfriend and I.

Crush works at the local golf course with many others who were at the party. At one point they invited another girl. Another single girl. Another single girl who is the beer girl at the golf course. Another single girl who is the beer girl at the golf course who is also 19 and hot. I have never felt so old in my life. I will be 24 in just 3 months but hanging out with this 19 year old chippy made me feel ancient. I think it was because she works with Crush and I got the vibe that she had a thing for him. I have always been the girl that other girls had to compete with and they lost. Now I felt I was having to compete with a fresh out of high school 19 year old hottie.

Eventually it got late and all the other girls were gone expect for me and the 19 year old. After spending time with her she actually seemed really cool but I still don't want to compete for Crush's attention with her. By the way, Crush is 26 in two months. When she wanted to drive home, Crush told her maybe she should sleep on the couch. She went to her car to get pjs. While she was gone I was on the porch with the guys. CT was like you all better not hit on her or take advantage of her if she stays the night. I was like um isn't she only 19. They said they would never do such a thing.

I wonder if Crush would really date someone that was 19. I know I wouldn't. Anyway. She ended up drving home and I left like 30 minutes later. I still want to get at Crush. He is just so yummy.

Always- LSG

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Roll Call

I was just wanting know your blog address. If there are people reading my blog and also have a blog of their own please leave me the address to your blog in the comments. I would love to start reading the adventures in your lives also. Thanks- LSG

Monday, July 20, 2009

Problems with Friends & An Update

There is a girl I have posted about. I call her my best friend, but my posts about her are usually rants. She is more like my best frenemy. We have been friends since high school. We got really close our 2nd year of college. Now we seem to be on very different paths. I see it and my friend Sara sees it. But I don't know that she does. She called me her best friend the other day. The worst part is is that she doesn't have a lot of friends.

Lately the problem with her is that everything seems to feel like a competition with her. She is always trying to one up me or at least get on equal grounds with me. I know she wasn't happy when I graduated because she was going to need to go another year. I work for a law firm. As long as I have worked for a law firm she has been trying to do the same. She finally found a law firm to work for a few months ago, but has had to put in her notice because it is in shambles and money is running out quick.

One time, this past fall, she freaked out over me dating this guy. He was one of my good friends. And he has said he had a crush on her. She had a boyfriend and said she would never date him even if she was single. Well when he and I started to date she flipped out, saying that she wanted to be with him, but didn't want to break it off with her boyfriend. Oh and then she mentioned something about how I get all the guys, how I am so pretty, how I get every man I want and she doesn't. Her words; not mine.

Well lately we have joined Sara's group. Which consists mainly of her, her husband, Jack, CT, CT's g/f, Crush, and Best Friends new object of affection. Well it seems to be a competition for the group with her. Object of Affection has been out of town a few weeks; now that he is back things are going into high gear. I really like hanging out with these guys. They like to party and have fun, but aren't idiots or druggies like my old friends. They like to stay up late and so do I. Best Friend doesn't like to drink, or stay up late, muchless go out. I can tell she gets upset when I go out with them and she doesn't go or when she leaves early and I stay.

She and Object of Affection went to a party with the group and extended group on Saturday. I did not feel like going. It was a poker party and I don;t play poker. Plus I got really wasted the night before and stayed up past 6AM. She seemed to make sure I knew what a good time she had at this party. How she had to take home and drunk Jack and that the guys seem to want her to go to a major football game in the fall that consists of travel to a neighboring state.

Now I am not jealous of her having a boyfriend. I could care less. I do seem to be jealous that she is gonna get closer to these guys thru Object of Affection and leave me out. I know she will spend time with them and I will never get invited. I guess she doesnt have to invite me to hang out bc she is with her boyfriend. Anyway I feel I am rambling. I do hate seeing her flirt with Crush and put her arms on him. It just pisses me off. He is not mine, I know. But she knows I like him. She used to do this with John all the time. She was call him, text him, hang out with him, and go to dinner with him.

JOHN UPDATE:
10 days ago was the last time I saw John. The next day I decided we would not date anymore. I felt awkward calling to tell him this so I would wait til he contacted me next to tell him. It has been 10 days and I have not heard from him. Not even a text. Does he not think we were dating, because he is the one that wanting to start dating. Here are the options:
A- he is an asshole
B- he is an asshole and won't contact me until he is horny
C- he realized what i realized. maybe he wants to breakup too.
In the case of C, that would be awesome. A breakup with out having to do the breakup. We just stop talking which actually is very fine with me.

Always- LSG

Sunday, July 12, 2009

I Hate This Part

Okay. So after all this should I date John, should I not date John? I have decided to end it with him. I was hanging out with him last night and we got into an argument/discussion. I realized that we will never work together. We just have very different views on what a relationship is. He thinks it is okay to just sit around the house all the time and lay around and have sex. I want more than that. For some reason I thought that he would change.

Then he gave me this speech about how he doesnt form attachments to people. Well then what is he doing with me? Plus he doesnt seem to eager to find a job. I have dated guys with no ambition before and it is a pain in the ass.

I just have to figure out how and when to tell him. I don't want to call him up and tell him. I feel weird calling him to tell him it's over. Plus I don't wanna do it on the phone. But I don't wanna make plans to see him just so I can tell him it is over. I am sure I will hear from him in the next day or so and I will just have to do it whether it is on the phone on in person. I hate this part.

Always- LSG

Thursday, July 9, 2009

My Parents and The Men I Date

So right when I think things are going to be okay with John I have to go and talk to my parents. I can't help it they are like my best friends. I tell my mom everything.

I told my mom at lunch the other day all about John and our talk. She seemed to be okay with it. I didn't want to tell my dad, however, because I knew he would just get upset. He thinks all men are scum and that no one is good enough for his little girl.

Yesterday I asked my mom what she thought dad might think of John. Then she started getting upset with me. She thinks that I am settling. Settling for what? It's not like I am gonna marry the guy. Then there is the well if you aren't gonna marry him then why waste your time. Well, I don't know if I will ever get married. I don't know exactly how I feel about marriage. Plus if I ever do get married it won't be for a long time. So why not have fun now? What, I can't date unless I'm thinking about marriage?

Then she tells me that I don't really like John and that I have just convinced myself that I have so that I can date him and not be the only single girl that I know. yes it does suck, sometimes, being the only single girl I know, but I do like being single. part of my being confused about dating John is whether I want to give up my single life at this moment. And I don't think that I have convinced myself to like John. I have always had feelings for John, for like two years now. Maybe that means I should give it try or maybe that means, it's been two years and I should move on.

That night I went to dinner with my parents. I mentioned something about John and I hanging out the other night and my dad like flipped out. He wanted to begin naming off all the reasons I shouldn't even be friends with John. He may not have a job right now, but he got fired and it's hard to find jobs right now. He is filling out applications though. And John knows how I feel about him being unemployed.

It is just so frustrating. They have never liked a single guy I have ever dated. I mean I could bring Prince William home and they still wouldn't approve. Part of the problem I think is social class. They want someone in my same class with the same education I have. My father is a prominent lawyer and has his own firm. Many of his clients are local celebrities and doctors. So I guess you could say we are more well off than most. Now John's family is not as well off as mine. In fact most people I know aren't as well off. I am not bragging just explaining. I am not that girl, believe me. I have my BA and am beginning to work on my JD this fall. John has his Associates. That's better than no degree at all. Dad wants me to go to law school and find a nice husband there. But I just don't know about that.

Always- LSG

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Unleashing the Beast Within

So I quit talking to John. Now I am talking to John, but not sleeping with him. Well all that leads to to about five weeks without sex. That is getting to be a long time.

At first I told myself I would not masturbate because I knew that would only make it worse. Then finally like two weeks ago I gave in and took out the bunny. And boy was I right about making it worse.

The next day at work I wanted to hump everything. I went to the courthouse to run some errands for work. I saw at least five men that I wanted to have sex with. It seemed like every man I saw was a hottie, when in reality I knew they weren't. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and then I realized that by masturbating the night before I had like unleashed a sexual beast. Now I have to continue to take out the bunny to control the beast until I decide to have sex again.

Always- LSG

Friday, July 3, 2009

Something...

I have been gone awhile and I do apologize. It's been a weird summer

The past few weeks I have been avoiding John. He continued to text me and try to get me to hang out with him, but I just wouldn't have it. I have had feelings for him and he didn't want to be with me. I had finally gotten the courage to stay away from him because nothing good would come of me continuing to sleep with him. I had been doing really good.

Then last night. He was at the bar. We still have the same friends and we all ended up hanging out together. He kept putting his hand on my leg and whispering in my ear so I finally told him the deal. He said he noticed that I had been ignoring him. I explained to him why and that I couldn't be with him any longer. Then he started to tell me how much he has missed me the last four weeks or so. He said he just wanted to see me so bad and not for sex. Now this is upsetting for me to hear after all my hard work over the past month. Then he goes on to tell me that he wants to be with me. he doesn't want to lose me and he wants us to be together for real.

I started getting so frustrated and upset with him. Where was this four weeks ago? three months ago? a year ago? I felt like Carrie when Big showed up right before she was leaving for Paris. I even explained this to him. How Carrie and Big were off again on again. She finally gets the courage to ignore his calls and delete his messages. Then Big shows up declaring his love for her and she freaks out on him. He understood after I explained all this to him. But then of course Carrie and Big end up together. Carrie and John. Funny bc ,well you don't know my name, but it almost Carrie. hehe

Anyway we talked for a really long time. About:

-how we have been together for two years. on and off of course, but how it is hard for either of us to imagine life without the other. everytime we are off I think how he will not be there and how upsetting that is. we both agreed that being together is just normal and not being together always never feels right.

-how last time we actually dated things didn't work well. the problem was with john and I anytime we start dating it isn't like a normal dating thing. we aren't starting from the beginning because we have been together for a good time. it's more like starting in the middle. that caused problems.

-how he needs to get a job. he has been out of work for a month and i just refuse to date a man without a job.

-the plan. to be two people who like eachother and are starting to casually date.

Later that night he wanted to go back to my place. I told him we would not be having sex. He asked why. I explained how the past two years our relationship has been based on sex and that if we want to do things right then we are not gonna start by having sex. He totally agreed and respected my feelings. We just went home and watched TV until we went to sleep.

I had still been feeling confused. Should I have just said no and moved on? But it's John and we have something. Why I wanna take things so slow because I am still not sure what I think about all this. Then I was listening to Abbey Road, my favourite Beatles album. "Something" made me realize that I do want to give him a chance. "Something" is exactly how I feel about John. After hanging out with him I used to lie in bed listening to it over and over just thinking about him.

Always- LSG

"Something in the way she moves;
Attracts me like no other lover.
Something in the way she woos me.
I don't wanna leaver her now.
You know I believe and how
Somewhere in her smile she knows;
That I dont need no other lover.
Someting in her style that shows me.
I don't wanna leave her now.
You know I bleieve and how
Your asking me will my love grow?
I don't know; Idon't know."

"Something" by The Beatles, from Abbey Road

Monday, June 22, 2009

A MOH Speech

Sorry I have not posted in like a week. I really don't know why. I may not have been writing, but I have been reading.

A girl a work, who I have become friends with, is the Maid of Honor for her friend's wedding on Saturday. All day at work she was trying to come up with a speech for the reception. She was having no luck at all. She started looking up MOH speeches on the internet. She is the receptionist and everytime I would walk by she would read me another speech. They were all awful. I told her she was not allowed to read any of them. Then she told me to write a speech for her. I was like are you kidding. Any speech I wrote would begin by asking if they signed a pre-nup then move on to whether on not marriage was a good idea. So, yea, I'm the office cynic. She really wanted to see what I could do so I went home and ended up writing her a speech.

Now I wouldn't say I am that great of a writer or anything. Writing papers was the hardest part of college for me. I was just laying there and this simple little speech came to me so I wrote it down. Work Friend really liked it and said she would use it and thought it was awesome. Here is what I wrote...

" The idea of having to write this speech and recite it in front of a room of people kind of freaked me out. I don’t think I am that clever with advice, and I am probably not that funny when it comes to jokes. I could probably to a good job of being cheesy, however.

I tried googling Maid of Honor speeches to try and get some ideas. You know, just to get the brain in the wedding speech kind of mode. It wasn’t helpful though. Nothing came close to what I wanted to say about Bride and Groom.

So I finally just say down and wrote. This is what I came up with. Please don’t laugh.

First I would like to thank Bride for allowing me the privilege of being her Maid of honor. It really is an honor. I would probably do anything for her.

When I think of Bride I think of (three things about her). When I think of Groom I think of (three things about him). But when they are together I think of (three things about them as a couple).

Bride and Groom, really are a wonderful couple. Seeing the two of them together is proof that the greatest gift from God is love. Even those who not have experienced this type of love can look at Bride and Groom and know that there is something extra special between him. I see it. I can’t not see it.

Everyone deserves to find a love like this.

(now look at couple) A love that is dependable, true, and righteous. I pray that God will continue to flourish in your lives. And I hope others can look to you both as an example of true love."

The End. Hope you enjoyed it.
Always- LSG

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Being Single= Against Status Quo??

When will we learn to love ourselves? When will we be comfortable being alone? When will the world and life stop focusing on being in a couple?

I don't understand why everything and everyone in this life is focused on finding the one and being in a couple, even if he is not the one. I was watching television and this girl is going on about how she isn't with anyone and is still spending her life trying to find that one person. Why should the purposed or goal of one's life be trying to find someone else to complete them.

Growing up we are taught how life "should" be. That we graduate high school. Then go to college. Maybe we finish or maybe we don't, but that is the time when we are supposed to find our other half. Then marriage and then children. Then our lives will be complete and we can finally be happy. Why do our lives have to fit into some formula created by the status quo?

I don't want to focus the best years of my life on trying to find some other person that is supposedly going to complete me. It's hard though. I don't fit into the status quo. I graduated college. I am now going to law school. My goal is to then start practice at my father's law firm. Maybe one day even be a partner with him. I hope to buy a house, on my own, without the help of a man. If a man comes into my life at any point then it will be fine. I just don't want to focus my life on trying to find a man.

My life is about me. No one can complete me. Only I can complete myself. No man can complete me. He may enhance my life, but I don't think he should make or break my life and my happiness. Most women my age are trying to get married and have children. But that is not my path. I want to have a career. I want to be successful. I have chosen a different path than the average 20-something woman.

But the world is still telling me that I should be focusing on finding a man. Family, friends, media, etc. is all saying that the goal of life is to be happily married with children. Why are we listening to this and why are we teaching the younger genreations this? Shouldn't the status quo be finding happiness with one's self and not with one's partner? I can't change the world. All I can try to do is live in it with my ideas on life and try to succeed.

Always- LSG